I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
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Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff