Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
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Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Cause of death: Zumba
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I’m calling the cops.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.