Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.