[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
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Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I was just discussing this with my cat
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.