Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
You Might Also Like
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class