*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
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Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.