I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.