I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
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Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Dune (2021)
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.