[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
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Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I wish I were this cool 😂
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.