[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
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Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.