The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
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Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.