I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
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[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven