Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
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#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I really had high hopes for this year though
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
getting corrected
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬