Dogs should be allowed to drive.
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Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it