Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.