Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
You Might Also Like
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
We’ve come full circle
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?