Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
This raises questions
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater