god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
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I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
The pen is writier than the sword.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?