ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
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Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Try and stop me.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Tony Hawk, age 6
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.