[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
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Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.