Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
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#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!