“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I feel seen
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.