pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
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“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
thank god
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
TODAY
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
o shit
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”