Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
You Might Also Like
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Goat cheese is for herders.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[eats all your cotton candy]
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.