You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
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George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
stand with me against insufficient seating
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.