Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
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Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment