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I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
According to math, I’m broke
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken