nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
You Might Also Like
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏