[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
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My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
fired
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*