[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
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I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
When the stylist spins you back around
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.