me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
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A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.