Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
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6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie