Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
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Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.