Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
You Might Also Like
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?