If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.