Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
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[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
cats when you pet them too long:
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.