Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
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RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Me as a therapist: omg same
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”