How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
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I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Wikigenius
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
2 years later
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts