2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
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Worlds greatest photobomb
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?