Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
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i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
me doing my best
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
😂😂
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t