But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
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“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
#Caturday
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
…..pretty much.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.