Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
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at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon