man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
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I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Otters see a butterfly.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”