she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
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How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar