My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
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8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Its a hippotatomus
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.