me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
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I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears