* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
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watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
FINE, I WON’T.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead