Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
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AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
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Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Whoa 😂
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?