WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
mood
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.