People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
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“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing